what goes wrong with mail order ?

It's a complete bugger if your order is one of the fewer than 3 in 100 which go screwy, are weird, or cock-up somehow. They are never forgotten and everything I can do to correct them is done - even if it takes an age sometimes. No-one is ever wittingly left behind. Please remember the 97 out of 100 orders that go smoothly and quickly - person to person. No faceless monolithic organizations, or bored record shop chains, or companies that don't believe in what they are doing anymore, just you - helping me - to help them, both directly and indirectly.

The most common mistake? Wrong card expiry date.

If your order has not arrived you may be one of the following…

1. Someone who has placed an order that hasn't arrived because :
   1. it's been lost in the post (a very rare occurance)
   2. you provided the wrong name, street address, town, postal code, or even country
   3. your order order was mis-addressed here
   4. your order has been held up by customs (the current record is 4 and a half months before it was returned - thanks Canada!)
   5. you placed an order but have not received an automated email response from the secure server - or my email reply due to 'spam' blocking software.
   6. you placed an order but I have failed to receive it because:
      1. computer crash at just the wrong time
      2. I have deleted it from the secure server before printing it out (not enough coffee in the morning)
      3. some glitch in the chain (secure server, my server, my computer, my printer)
   7. you have not responded to my request to provide correct details, because :
      1. wrong card number
      2. no number
      3. card expired
      4. no expiry date
      5. no start date
      6. no funds available
      7. just scamming (the "Retain Card" message)
      8. no address
      9. wrong address or postal code
      10. no name
      11. nothing ordered just card details and address sent
      12. real name
   8. your email address doesn't work or is 'full'.
   9. you place an order in your real name on one email address then send a query from a different email address using a nickname
   10. you sent a specific request ("Don't send my order until everything comes in") and then forget
   11. you think you placed an order but didn't (it happens)
   12. you tried to place an order from the phone in the secure wing of a mental hospital while also telling me that "I AM the guy in Trainspotting - I was tied to the tracks and and died when the ship hit the sun, and I'm also Brad Pitt, and little Nemo - all those guys at once - they shaved my head. Why won't they let me play my guitar to the trees? I'm going to review soon you know? When's daevid coming back I need to speak to him because I AM Gong's bass player! He needs me. The music will come when they see it in the Sun…" - etc.